I’m missing myself. Bold an obscene. Hiding the deformities in my brain. Poking, prodding. So alone. trapped In my head of guilted swirls. Violently crashing and colliding, bursting, bubbling. Watch my dreams falter at your feet. Never known love, never really knew you. My inner thighs have brushed your cheeks more then these fingertips. Guilty no? Saddened yes. Becoming this human I can’t stand to look at, can’t even stare into my own eyes without asking myself, who the fuck are you.
I have not written in ages. Being a mother twists your life so drastically. Never thought I would be here. Never thought I would see days like these. Everything I visioned as my future gone. But I don’t see that as a loss. I have gained the two most beautiful people in my life. My beautiful son greets me every morning with the deepest purest smile these eyes have ever seen. I never thought I could love someone so much it shakes me soul. I wake up to his gleaming face every morning. And I watch his tired eyes shut every night as he falls asleep warmly on my chest. I cry as I write this, for I cannot explain the beauty that penetrates every aspect of my being. His smell perks up my day, his warmth surrounds my body with every touch and every kiss. I always thought I would travel this world alone, I always thought I would never get married. Maybe have a child in my late thirties. But now I am here worrying about things I never thought I would worry about. Being excited about things I never thought I would be. Nothing is more pure then watching the loves of my life dancing together, laughing together. Nothing has ever prepared me for what I am feeling. The emotions captivate me and suffocate me until I just can’t stand it. This life was not chosen by me. It was a swift fork in the road I took by accident. And I would never ever go back.
Little boy, when you speak
I cant help but kiss your cheeks
I love the way you grab my hands
And tell me all about your plans
Rocket high, comets fly
You and I could take a ride
And fly away to Neverland
And give our best to Peter Pan
When you reach for the stars
Dont forget who you are
And please dont turn around and grow up way too fast
See the sand in my grasp
From the first to the last
Every grain becomes a memory of the past
Oh, lifes an hourglass
Lifes an hourglass
Stories read, prayer is said
Close your eyes sleepyhead
While angels linger in your dreams
And hold you in their feathered wings
Just like you, I was small
Not that long ago at all
I wish you all the happiness
That God gives freely if you ask
the things people to do one another are just baffling to me. cheating, lying, saying hurtful things. why is it we really hurt the ones we love most. people change in an instant these days; and for whatever reason. i am growing tiresome of the excuses; the whys and the ifs. every so often i am let down by another person. realizing most people just aren’t as good as you thought they were. plain and simple.
i am growing extremely tiresome of watching all the good suffer, for no apparent reason.
i so desperately want to pick up my hurt friends; comfort them, and let them know that i have been there. let them know that a hurt heart is angry, sad, and just downright ugly. i am growing sad of hearing about these reasons; “these stupid’ fucking reasons as to why we hurt the ones we care about. sorry, but i could give a shit less if you felt suffocated or if you just didn’t feel the same way. doesn’t mean you take someones heart and punch it one million fucking times until it stops beating. you dont just all of a sudden do mean and hurtful things because you feel you need your space and then make up stupid excuses to justify it. nothing justifies the pain you put that person through, the hurt you put them through. there is right ways as to go about things, and there are wrong. and i am sorry, you may be my friend but you are wrong in your ways and your words.
i am so fucking tired of the cruelness of people.
i wish i knew at sixteen how fucking good i had it.
voice like a bell
Noisy in my head.
Voice rings like a bell.
And try as I might I cannot forget.
And try as I might I cannot love you less.
Say how long you’ll stay…
Wrapped up in the hour.
Marking off the days
Maybe we both,
knew it at the time.
Well I don’t know about you…
but for me,
it’s about,
the passing of measures.
but for me,
it’s about,
all of lifes little pleasures.
And I feel, you’re taking away,
the most you can from our lazy days.
Maybe we both,
Maybe we both,
Maybe we both,
knew it at the time
Maybe we both,
knew it at the time.
im tired; and the wiseness in your voice is telling me to go home.
sngh
its kind of strange how we once wound up together. the intelligence you lack is quite astonishing. I dont recall one intelligent conversation with you; i thought i could change you; i thought i could cram intelligence into your skull. boy’ was i wrong, i was so wrong. the years of drugs, and the years of no schooling pretty sums you up. some say i talk about you to much. i feel like i do to, mostly because i never got closure. closure from wondering why i subjected myself to you. why i felt like i needed you. you were ignorant, inconsiderate, and a pig; everything i stand against. your beliefs were disgusting. your thoughts were repulsing; and you did disgusting and baffling things to me. but at the time i thought you were all i could get; all i would ever amount to. boy’ was i wrong. there is so much i want to say to you, and i have tried. but your insignificant brain couldn’t wrap around the concepts i was trying to explain to you. it was difficult being with someone who was so illiterate. i look back and feel like utter trash for being with someone like you; how did i ever come think that i couldn’t find better?
it fills my soul with joy, the fact that i have found someone who is really worth my time & love. i feel so special to have found someone who believes what i believe & gives me the love and affection that is essential to my well being. i am so damn grateful that you left me. i am so grateful you flew hundreds of miles to cheat on me. for; if you never left i would have stayed and i would have never found my true soulmate. the person i want to spend every waking moment with, the person who lights up my soul each and everyday.
the time i spent with you was the darkest point of my life. anxiety, fear, & depression. It was disgusting. you filled that time with lies & abusive words.
i know spend my time with someone i can spend hours talking to each and every night. someone who challenges me to do better, and be better. someone who catches me every time i fall; not just once or twice. someone who fills me up with good thoughts, and makes me feel like i mean something each and everyday.
thank you for leaving me and shattering my heart into a million little fucking pieces;
if you would have never left- i would have never found myself.
most beautiful book in the world- that Oscar and I found out powells towards the beginning of our relationship; we read it over and over flipped through the pages & fell more in love with one another.
